I once had a dream.
I dreamt that I had just died and a dark endless void was sucking me in with inconceivable strength. It was black silence; Nothing but death.
What made it so unbearable was the inescapable and rapid loss of memory. The abyss was ridding me of all I was left with. Everything slipping out of my grasp. Millions of them going at once. I compromised, holding onto some as I felt the others go. I had to choose to forget the dearest. I had to choose just one, to hold on for the longest time, in case I lost it before the last second. I had to hold on to the most valuable of them, before memories stopped making sense.
I was being rendered free of everything. And I didn’t want to be free. I cried and shouted but I did not have a voice. When my memories left me, my feeling left with them. Things stopped being important. And I did not want to let go of love.
It was long ago. I never knew I thought of death so much as to dream about it. I never knew I was scared of death.
A lot of times I have thought; as body lets go, what does the mind go through? We rot a bit every day. All of us. Each passing day we are a bit closer to dying. When I will be old will I look ahead in the same way I look ahead now? Will the anticipation of tomorrow still make my heart pound? Will it still be important, how I will look back at my life after a few years? It’s quite a bit about what I will find when I look back at the times I have lived, but how often do I look back now? And will I look back more often then? Will I not be too involved with tomorrow yet again? Will I be old to dream?
Do old people feel scared? “Oh! God! It’s coming to an end!” Is it like when Titanic was split in two and Rose and Jack were watching the sea rush up to them?
Is death like that? It’s quite invisible. Not so dramatic and obvious I guess. How come finishing teenage was upsetting and thrilling at the same time? How come we are so easily indulged by the new? The upcoming. Then why should the gone by matter at all? Would we be just as thrilled and upset as we close our eyes for the final time? That would be new too! We ought to be indulged.